I was out with my friend the other day. We were in Ikeja, if I had any sense of direction I would tell you exactly where in Ikeja but I don’t so I can’t. Anyway, as we were driving along we saw a brown car and on top of the hood (or bonnet, depending on how much MTV you watch) is a LASTMA official in an orange traffic vest holding on for dear life!
I assume this was a routine traffic stop that had gone terrible awry; the car looked as though it had no intention of slowing down, stopping entirely seeming not on the agenda. As I looked in amazement with my mouth open wide enough to be a fly’s playground, the driver of the brown car started to weave from left to right in an attempt to “shake off” the LASTMA official- as though he was a bug on the windshield! The LASTMA official on the other hand was gripping the car and still threatening to uphold whatever law the driver was supposed to have broken.
At this point I would have expected that he accept the fact that this man was not one to abide by the rules, cut his losses and try to get out of the situation with at least one limb intact (traffic control will prove rather difficult otherwise).
About three minutes down the road, the brown car turned left and we were going straight. I watched as the car drove away until I couldn’t see it anymore and wondered what would happen to them. I still don’t know if the LASTMA official was brave or stupid. He could have been taking his job so seriously that his deep desire for traffic control might have gotten the better of him and clouded his judgement as he jumped on the car. What will his superiors say about it? Will they commend him for his dedication to the force or laugh in his face?
I would like to think that he will get a congratulatory pat on the back. His fellow LASTMAns would want to hear his story of courage and dedication over and over again until he can’t tell it anymore. His supervisor would buy him a celebratory meal of boli and epa and at least for a little while he will be the hero at his local LASTMA office.
I know it won’t happen like that, it very rarely does...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Survival Guide to NYSC Orientation Camp
Every year, Nigerian youth are asked the question "Would you like to serve your fatherland to build your patriotism all the while harnessing service and humility?" and every year the answer is a rousing, "...I guess, if I HAVE to."
Registration
• When you arrive at the camp you will be expected to register yourself because you are an excited corp member or a citizen who is being forced into it (either way, it’s acceptable). Plus they need records in case you get lost in the bush.
• Registration is long and painful. If you don’t like queues then you might want to consider getting a body double. According to NYSC statutes the most asinine way to do something is the way it MUST be done. Don’t offer efficient solutions, the officials get angry when you use words they don’t understand.
• When being given your NYSC “kit” and the official in charge asks you what your shoe size is just tell her not to bother because she’s going to give you the one closest to her anyway.
• Do not under any circumstances ask follow-up questions to any officials instructions lest they think you to have too much of “the logic”
Getting settled
• It is quite common for the living arrangements to be less than desirable but do not fear, you are allowed fresh air during the daylight hours.
• If you are a stickler for fire safety and a room with 40 people, no windows and one door freaks you out don’t worry about it, the fleeing of the bed bugs from the mattresses should be enough warning if there is a fire.
• There are many people from all parts of this great country who do not believe in personal space, boundaries and excess nudity making anyone uncomfortable. Just hope that person isn’t your bunkmate because it makes for awkward times.
• If you didn’t bring take a mosquito net then it bodes well for you to sleep in full body armour.
• Some women have chest hair- a lot of it
• There is no shame in crying through your first night, it scares away the mice (ok, there aren’t any mice, you were freaked huh?)
Taking a shower/ using the bathroom/getting ready
• If you are a germophobe of any kind then I suggest that you be excused from going to orientation camp altogether on the grounds of the area being dangerous to your psychological well being.
• If you cannot shower with cold water I would not suggest that you ask the kitchen staff to boil you water…trust me on this one.
• If you have a problem with public nudity (your or other people’s), then I suggest you bring your own privacy screen or hire a small child to hold a wrapper in front of you or other people (wherever the nudity may be) at all times
• Advice: using a flashlight and a mirror at the same time is more complicated than it seems.
Morning parade & Jogging
• You will be awakened in the wee hours of the morning by a bugle, don’t expect it to be in tune but then again, can a bugle ever be in tune? (my sister asked me that)
• You will be asked to have daily praise and worship conveniently disregarding the fact that you just might not have the same beliefs.
• The soldiers will make you jog unless you can come up with a legitimate medical excuse (explaining that it is psychological warfare to brainwash you into living as though you are in a police state is apparently not credible enough).
• The jogging is mostly outside of the camp premises; I would not suggest breaking free from the group in search of sanity and indoor plumbing because the chance that you will end up lost in the bush is rather high.
• Don’t try to explain logic to the soldiers who have blood alcohol levels high enough for them to be wary of sweating near an open flame.
Dining/Mami Market
• If you don’t support the theory that swill and rocks are a balanced diet then you always have the culinary assortments available at mami market.
o By culinary assortment I mean that an assortment of people have made the same meals
• Mami market is your all-in-one shopping centre/bar/restaurant/salon/tailor/phone charging depot. In other words, if mami market doesn’t have it then it probably doesn’t exist.
Military
• *Side note* There are soldiers trained by our national defense system that are there to teach you discipline and responsibility but after encountering them up close I greatly fear for our national security.
• If you have ever seen a two-year old throw a tantrum then you have seen a soldier demand respect. The problem is solved much the same way: either give them what they want or play a quick game of peek-a-boo.
• The soldiers will barge into your room under the pretence of making sure no one is evading activities. This is all well and good but if they start doing it when there are no activities scheduled or the wee hours of the morning then you should probably alert someone.
• All you need is one soldier friend to evade all punishment and strenuous activity.
• Women take heed, if a soldier offers you a Smirnoff ice, beware- it comes at a rather high price
Endurance Trek
• You will be asked to go on the endurance trek- it is a very, very long walk so I suggest you have menstrual cramps on this day (men too, if you can pull it off).
• If your Mp3 player hasn’t been stolen yet then it would be the best companion
• It might take all your resolve but try to resist the urge to remove all your clothes because of the heat; your brightly coloured undergarments might just attract the inhabitants of the bush.
Ending ceremony
• There will be a ceremony at the end of it all. The ceremony is not actually to celebrate the accomplishment of you making it through camp but is actually an avenue to ass-kiss the governor of the state but at this point you won’t care because indoor-plumbing will soon be a reality and not an urban myth.
Registration
• When you arrive at the camp you will be expected to register yourself because you are an excited corp member or a citizen who is being forced into it (either way, it’s acceptable). Plus they need records in case you get lost in the bush.
• Registration is long and painful. If you don’t like queues then you might want to consider getting a body double. According to NYSC statutes the most asinine way to do something is the way it MUST be done. Don’t offer efficient solutions, the officials get angry when you use words they don’t understand.
• When being given your NYSC “kit” and the official in charge asks you what your shoe size is just tell her not to bother because she’s going to give you the one closest to her anyway.
• Do not under any circumstances ask follow-up questions to any officials instructions lest they think you to have too much of “the logic”
Getting settled
• It is quite common for the living arrangements to be less than desirable but do not fear, you are allowed fresh air during the daylight hours.
• If you are a stickler for fire safety and a room with 40 people, no windows and one door freaks you out don’t worry about it, the fleeing of the bed bugs from the mattresses should be enough warning if there is a fire.
• There are many people from all parts of this great country who do not believe in personal space, boundaries and excess nudity making anyone uncomfortable. Just hope that person isn’t your bunkmate because it makes for awkward times.
• If you didn’t bring take a mosquito net then it bodes well for you to sleep in full body armour.
• Some women have chest hair- a lot of it
• There is no shame in crying through your first night, it scares away the mice (ok, there aren’t any mice, you were freaked huh?)
Taking a shower/ using the bathroom/getting ready
• If you are a germophobe of any kind then I suggest that you be excused from going to orientation camp altogether on the grounds of the area being dangerous to your psychological well being.
• If you cannot shower with cold water I would not suggest that you ask the kitchen staff to boil you water…trust me on this one.
• If you have a problem with public nudity (your or other people’s), then I suggest you bring your own privacy screen or hire a small child to hold a wrapper in front of you or other people (wherever the nudity may be) at all times
• Advice: using a flashlight and a mirror at the same time is more complicated than it seems.
Morning parade & Jogging
• You will be awakened in the wee hours of the morning by a bugle, don’t expect it to be in tune but then again, can a bugle ever be in tune? (my sister asked me that)
• You will be asked to have daily praise and worship conveniently disregarding the fact that you just might not have the same beliefs.
• The soldiers will make you jog unless you can come up with a legitimate medical excuse (explaining that it is psychological warfare to brainwash you into living as though you are in a police state is apparently not credible enough).
• The jogging is mostly outside of the camp premises; I would not suggest breaking free from the group in search of sanity and indoor plumbing because the chance that you will end up lost in the bush is rather high.
• Don’t try to explain logic to the soldiers who have blood alcohol levels high enough for them to be wary of sweating near an open flame.
Dining/Mami Market
• If you don’t support the theory that swill and rocks are a balanced diet then you always have the culinary assortments available at mami market.
o By culinary assortment I mean that an assortment of people have made the same meals
• Mami market is your all-in-one shopping centre/bar/restaurant/salon/tailor/phone charging depot. In other words, if mami market doesn’t have it then it probably doesn’t exist.
Military
• *Side note* There are soldiers trained by our national defense system that are there to teach you discipline and responsibility but after encountering them up close I greatly fear for our national security.
• If you have ever seen a two-year old throw a tantrum then you have seen a soldier demand respect. The problem is solved much the same way: either give them what they want or play a quick game of peek-a-boo.
• The soldiers will barge into your room under the pretence of making sure no one is evading activities. This is all well and good but if they start doing it when there are no activities scheduled or the wee hours of the morning then you should probably alert someone.
• All you need is one soldier friend to evade all punishment and strenuous activity.
• Women take heed, if a soldier offers you a Smirnoff ice, beware- it comes at a rather high price
Endurance Trek
• You will be asked to go on the endurance trek- it is a very, very long walk so I suggest you have menstrual cramps on this day (men too, if you can pull it off).
• If your Mp3 player hasn’t been stolen yet then it would be the best companion
• It might take all your resolve but try to resist the urge to remove all your clothes because of the heat; your brightly coloured undergarments might just attract the inhabitants of the bush.
Ending ceremony
• There will be a ceremony at the end of it all. The ceremony is not actually to celebrate the accomplishment of you making it through camp but is actually an avenue to ass-kiss the governor of the state but at this point you won’t care because indoor-plumbing will soon be a reality and not an urban myth.
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