I have an aunt that I visit so often that I have her gateman’s phone number. So a few nights ago, I decided to pay her a quick visit. The generator was on so there was no point knocking on the gate, I could have been screaming bloody murder and no one would have heard me. Naturally, I called the gateman but the phone told me, very politely, that his phone was switched off. I called a few more times, for good measure, and then decided to leave. Just as the car was turning around, I see the gateman running down the street waving his arms frantically for me to stop. He gets to the car and apologises profusely, “I called you now, your phone is off” He smiles and says “my battery don die, you for call me on my GLO, but sometimes network no dey”
I like the fact that everyone in Lagos has a cell phone actually scratch that I LOVE the fact that everyone in Lagos has a cell phone. You can get in touch with anybody, anywhere without even leaving your house. This is a particularly calming thought for me because I remember people who would make pilgrimages from places like Ikorodu, dress their children in matching ankara and come to visit my parents at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning just to be sure that we were at home when they got there.
The savvy Lagosian patron has a plethora of choices for phones but it seems that all stakeholders at the Nokia corporation have each put at least two children through university with their revenue from Lagosians alone. As with everything else in Lagos there are rules and I believe I have mastered the top ten:
1. In order to solidify your big boy status you must have at least 3 phones and one of them has to be a blackberry
2. You must and I repeat, must have enough money on your phone at all times to be able to flash (in case of emergency)
3. If someone does not answer the phone the first time you call them, call them incessantly and on their different phone lines. I mean, no one minds getting 30 missed calls just because you wanted to say hi
4. It is always ok to call someone in the middle of the night because it’s free
5. The best way to show that you care about someone is to send them credits but this might backfire if the person doesn’t use them to call you
6. You can always get out of trouble by saying “you called me? When? It must have been network problems...my phone didn’t ring”
7. Text messages are a legitimate way to invite your closest friends and family to an event
8. When you are making a phone call volume control is non-existent
9. Your phone’s obnoxiously loud D’Banj ringtone should never be silenced( even at the movie theatre)
10. The people who are the most succinct when they call you will become Wole Soyinka narratives when you call them
To this end I implore, for my next birthday I don’t want to go out to dinner or for you to send me flowers just show up at my door with nothing but a bouquet of MTN recharge cards and a smile.
