A POSITIVE I.D.

My sister, lets call her “M.S.” is one of those people that can actually do math and draw a straight line without a ruler, you know, the show-offy types. She’s normally the person who walks in 45 mins after you started building your chest of drawers with the German instructions, coupled with a translation app that got a one star recommendation on iTunes  and shows you that the english directions are on the back and you actually bought a dog house by mistake. She's the together one.

Though Lagos and I have been long time lovers, my sister and Lagos have only ever been good friends. They are happy to see each other and go out for drinks but then gidi says something slick and they remember why they don’t actually hang out as often as they think they should.

On her last visit, she bought some boli, bole roast plantain and asked I.D. our house “help”, to please buy her 3 bottles of cold water. The following exchange ensues after I.D.’s 35 minute journey to the store:

ID: Aunty, they don’t have small bottles of cold water, should I still buy or buy the big one? The big one is cold

MS: Buy the big one and bring it back

(25 minutes later)

ID: Aunty, take

MS: This is one small bottle of warm water…

ID: The big one wasn’t cold

MS: If you were going to buy warm water, when didn’t you just buy them on the first trip?

ID: *blank stare*

MS: Just go and buy two more small bottles of water

(15 minutes later)

ID: Aunty, this is it

MS: *sigh* this is 2 bottles of Fanta and a can of Maltina

ID: yes, aunty

MS: what did I ask you to buy?

ID: Water, Aunty

MS: *long pause* where’s my change?

ID: Aunty, they didn’t have change

MS: *long pause* whatever

(ID lurks for 3 minutes)

MS: What’s the problem?

ID: Aunty, you go drink that malt? I want taste am because e cold well well…  

In my sister’s quest for rationality, Lagos provides no succour. There are always people who defy the very science that holds human kind together as a biological grouping and everytime she visits, she creates new ideas that she’s convinced will help the evolution of the Nigerian mind…until she gets to the airport where there are nine newly arrived flights but only one baggage carousel and people see no problem with unloading bags with tons of toilet paper and toothpaste from “the overseas”.